Monday, April 23, 2007

Lunatic Liberal or Brilliant Visionary: I know how I'd cast my vote

Sheryl Crow: Use just 1 square of toilet paper
Singer says cutting down on bathroom waste will fight global warming
I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

Her brilliance is totally lost on the world. If Al Franken is elected to the senate, this is exactly the kind of legislation I can see him tirelessly trying to pass---the One Sheet Law. If you're caught using more than one sheet of t.p., the penalty will be mandatory viewing of An Inconvenient Truth; the number of viewings will be based on the number of sheets of t.p. you were caught using.

It doesn't say, but I'm sure her brilliant mind has already dreamed this up as well---why not combine the two ideas. Along with a 'dining sleeve,' she can create a 'wiping sleeve.' This would be attached to your undies, and instead of using toilet paper, you'd wipe with the cloth sleeve. I might even design this myself. The company slogan would be "Let the King wipe your butt for you."

(Update: Tiger Lilly just posted a very articulate comment on this story. Being the sister of Mall Diva, she made me think of an entirely new idea: Wrist Sweaters. We could design a brand of W.S's that could be used to wipe your mouth with the right hand, and your butt with the left hand. They could do the designing, their dad, Night Writer, (as always) will be the marketing genius. I'll take care of the astronomical profits that we could make on the endeavor)


Tiger Lilly said...


Bike Bubba said...

On the one hand, Crow insists on using just one sheet of toilet paper, and on the other, her dressing room instructions require a 12 pack of beer imported from the Netherlands, plus a whole bunch of other stuff. Add the caravan of three tractor trailers and other vehicles in her entourage, and I think she fits the very definition of "straining at a gnat but swallowing a camel.

Put differently, I hope Al Gore uses plenty of chlorine for his pool when Crow comes over for a global warming pool party. Who knew that environmentalism meant risking e coli infection?

Gabrielle Eden said...

I'm grossed out!