Willie Wonka and the Bacon Factory

Science Finally Unlocks Secret of Perfect Bacon Sandwich (FoxNews Out There)
Science finally found time to tackle the world's most pressing issue — how to make the perfect bacon sandwich.
Four scientists at Leeds University spent more than 1,000 hours testing 700 variations of the sandwich to find the ultimate combination, the London Sun reports.
"We often think that it's the taste and smell of bacon that consumers find most attractive," Dr. Graham Clayton, the leader of the research team, told the Sun. "But our research proves that texture and sound is just, if not more, important."
The Leeds researchers used a simple formula to conclude that the ideal bacon sandwich, when chewed, measures 0.5 decibels and breaks under 0.4 Newtons of pressure.
The study looked at various types of bacon — smoked, unsmoked, streaky, thick cut — as well as cooking techniques, temperature and type of oil used to crisp the meat.
No word on how many arteries were clogged by the study.

Perfect according to whose standards. If the perfect bacon sandwich could cure diabetes, I'd think they were actually doing something worthwhile. As it is, I'd be curious to find out who funded this research---Jimmy Dean. I guess now they're going to start marketing kitchen decibel readers and pressure gauges. It doesn't say anything about the quality of the bread or any condiments that would go on either; that would make a big difference in the perfection of the sandwich.

Another thing they didn't factor in is how global warming will affect the future of the perfect bacon sandwich. They better get Al Gore stumping on their side or all this wonderful research will be for naught.