The Big "V" (as Joan Rivers would say: "can we talk")

All right. I told Mark I was going to relate some funny bits from when I had the Big “V.” I know most guys don’t want to hear stories about a man’s jewels that have ‘snip,snip’ in them; but then reality can be more scary than fiction.

My doctor was an old pro at vasectomies; and had done the most in this clinic, or Minnesota, something like that. He was kind of a squirrely little guy and had a strange sense of humor. The first indication of this came when he was telling me that I’d need to shave the area in question, (which I had never done, thank you very much) He said, and I quote: “That’s kind of fun, kinda kinky.” OK, well I can see doing it for a surgical procedure, not sure I’d ever do it for fun.

He then proceeded to tell me that a lot of guys coming into the procedure are a little nervous and tense; which tended to cause the boys in question to get tight and shrivel up. To counteract that, he was going to give me a little valium, and then: “those bad boys will be hanging down to your knees; makes it a lot easier for me to work.”

The eerie thing was he kept giggling and chuckling during the pre-op physical. I think he enjoyed his work a little too much. The actual procedure was a total blur in my mind. They gave me the valium, I remember lying on the table; next thing I’m done and in the post-op room.

Mocha-momma had actually been in there with us. I had held her hand through two childbirths and assorted surgeries; so she wanted to be there for me. She said I totally rambled on through the whole procedure; which I vehemently denied. I’m telling ya, the government should slip a little valium into the pudding at Guantanamo, they’d be having those terrorists spilling their guts in no time.

The story ended happily. I spent the next day lying on the couch with a frozen bag of peas, and I never did have any of the nasty possible side affects that he told me about.