The MOLD Convention: Part 1

Kingdavid here, your roving reporter, at the MN Organization of Liberal Democrats (MOLD) convention; being held in Minneapolis’ HHH Metrodome. Just as nature’s mold is a fungus that causes organic matter to decay, MOLD is an organism that is primarily responsible for the decay of social values and stability in our state. A prime example of this is the decay found in the City of Minneapolis. Rampant crime and indiscriminate killing, particularly by gangs, is a major problem; but the MOLD spores in charge, both elected and community leaders, in typical liberal fashion are failing to take necessary, and tough, steps in order to get things under control.

I’ll be reporting on the convention in a series of articles to be posted up until the next election. This gathering of MOLD is meant to be a celebration of liberal ideology and a strategy/educational opportunity for liberals to get on the same page and try to come up with some coherent platform. Up until now, the only strategy they’ve had is to continuously label the opposition Nazi’s, compare Bush to Hitler, whine about the last two presidential elections being stolen, and beatify one of their losers and try to convince us all that watching a movie produced by this pathological liar will save the entire world from cataclysmic destruction.

As I entered the dome to begin this covert coverage, I had the same feeling that Dr. Jones, Indiana’s dad, had in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It’s from the scene where they’re in Berlin, and Sean Connery says, “We’re pilgrims in an unholy land.”

As I entered the dome I was immediately beset with a horrid case of the heebie-jeebies; I was greeted just inside the main doors by members of the Minnesota Gay Chorus. They were dressed up in cowboy shirts and hats, but on the bottom only had western chaps with nothing underneath. They were singing a rousing rendition of ‘Back in the Saddle Again’ as a tribute to ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ I nearly choked, in laughter or revulsion, I’m not quite sure which. Anyway, I made it past there. I thought I could use a disguise, so I went to the Wellstone Booth to buy a button. They had a petition drive going to promote the idea of changing the name of the capital city to St. Paul Wellstone MN. The guy manning the booth mentioned that they had a church service just starting in a room right behind the booth, and invited me to enter.

I thought I could use a healthy dose of prayer before going any further into this lair of liberalism, so I accepted the offer. Unfortunately, the service was a ritual observed by members of the Church of Paul. As they started, I was asked to lead the devotees in “The Paul’s Prayer.” I declined, telling them that I was a new devotee and hadn’t gone through the full catechism as of yet. It went something like this.

Dear Paul, who art in heaven, may God listen to everything you say; your will and vision be done, in Minnesota as it was in Moscow. Give us everything we can get from the haves, and let us give it to the have nots. Take us not down the path of responsibility and discipline; but lead us down the path of entitlement and welfare. May your little Green Bus be our transportation into the kingdom that we all deserve, and may we not have to sacrifice anything to get there. For we have the numbers, the irrationality, and the deceitful hearts to git-er-done. Amen.

I spent the rest of the service reciting the Lord’s Prayer to myself, and got out as quick as I could after it ended. More of the loony liberal escapades to follow. Don’t change the dial.